The Play-By-Play That Killed My Game

So far, I’ve only written about serious dates with guys I’ve found online. My end-goal for joining an online dating service has always been to find someone with whom I have a real connection. That said, it’s a lot of work and pressure being in that serious environment and mindset all the time. This story is about one of my “breaks”…

I’m not the type of guy to go to a bar and bring home a different man each night of the week. I have friends like that and God bless them, but I just don’t have it in me. Anyone who agrees knows there are times when you wish it were easy for you too. Now, that’s not to say that I’m a shy person…I’m one hell of a flirt and I have no issues walking up to and hitting on guys…but most of the time I’m doing it to get a phone number not a cab back to my apt right then and there.

I met the guy this story is about online, but on a less respectable gay-specific site. We met online way before I ever met him in person. Our initial conversations were fine: I liked him and he was just my type. When we meet in person for a drink it went to hell. He told me that he wasn’t into dating and that he just wanted “friends-with-benefits”. I actually really respected him being so up front about it since most guys would try and convince me that we wanted the same thing. Right now, I’m not interested in the whole “friends-with-benefits” scene, so from that point on we stopped talking.

Months later I broke that silence and here is why……

At the time that the following situation occurred, I was really broke. I get paid bi weekly at my job so that week just before the 15th of the month (right after paying rent) is always a poor time for me. It’s like my male financial period….. It comes without fail once a month and always puts me in a bad mood (financial PMS) and I’m always scared if I’m late…. With bills that is. This particular Saturday all of my friends were going out but I had to stay home to save money and it was killing me! I was SO bored and really in a mood to go out; staying home was really eating at me. It had also been a LONG time since my bedroom had been graced by the presence of a gentlemen caller. As I sat on my couch trying to kill my pent up energy by watching TV, what seemed like a great…..NO…..a logical idea dawned on me. I decided to call my online guy who only wanted to be friends-with-benefits and see if he would like to pay me a visit.

I gave my friend a call around 9pm and an hour later he was on his way to my apt. I guess his last minute availability on a Saturday night should have been a red flag BUT I was too busy basking in the glow of my genius and seemingly successful plan to notice anything else.

He arrived at my apartment with a bottle of red wine (per my request…..classy, I know) around 10:45pm. We had the obligatory nice to see you again conversation and then headed to the bedroom. I have to say the one positive note about this story was my calm demeanor throughout this process. Normally, I’m pretty nervous in a sexual setting with someone I don’t really know. I can’t say that I’m proud of doing this but at least I didn’t chicken out once I made the decision to invite him over.

As we started to get more into our…. Umm…. I’ll call it our experience; I realized he’s a Talker. I am not a fan of talking, dirty or otherwise, during sex so I was already a little put off by his vocal expression. Then we took a turn down a very bad vocal road. My Talker became a Commentator. He found it necessary to state (out loud & very LOUD) everything I was doing and everything he was doing or was about to do. I felt like I was listening to someone call the play-by-play of a sporting event! It’s impossible for me to give examples without causing you to blush so let run with the sports reference. Imagine playing one-on-one basketball with someone while he narrates every single move in annoying detail.

Let me channel him as best I can:

“Douggiestyle has the ball and oh he turns left and turns right. I’m going box you out and steal and ball. Oh he steals the ball back and throws a spin move. He’s still spinning but I’m going to box you out with my back and take the ball. I’m going behind my back and through your legs and the straight to the rim. Oh but he goes for the ball and stripes it from my hands. He’s dribbling the ball with such control and skill…..”and on, and on. Add in lots of over the top moans and groans and you’ll start to get the idea.

It became such a joke I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than his talking. It got so bad that I realized there are only two ways I can shut him up…..Since I lost all interest in one of those options, I decided to politely let him know this wasn’t working and that he should go home. Yes, this left me alone with now blue basketballs…(get it?) but I would have been ashamed of myself if I had continued. I have to wonder why his past partners had never said anything. He was talking so much it didn’t even sound like he was taking time to breathe. It was one of the most bizarre experiences I’ve had and one that I don’t care to repeat.

I think there are a lot of reasons people like to have more casual relationships of the friends-with-benefits nature in their life. I don’t frown on the idea; I’ve had such friends in the past. After this experience, though, I think I’ve learned that boredom isn’t the best reason to try and kick off a relationship like that….