So far, I’ve only written about serious dates with guys I’ve found online. My end-goal for joining an online dating service has always been to find someone with whom I have a real connection. That said, it’s a lot of work and pressure being in that serious environment and mindset all the time. This story is about one of my “breaks”…
I’m not the type of guy to go to a bar and bring home a different man each night of the week. I have friends like that and God bless them, but I just don’t have it in me. Anyone who agrees knows there are times when you wish it were easy for you too. Now, that’s not to say that I’m a shy person…I’m one hell of a flirt and I have no issues walking up to and hitting on guys…but most of the time I’m doing it to get a phone number not a cab back to my apt right then and there.
I met the guy this story is about online, but on a less respectable gay-specific site. We met online way before I ever met him in person. Our initial conversations were fine: I liked him and he was just my type. When we meet in person for a drink it went to hell. He told me that he wasn’t into dating and that he just wanted “friends-with-benefits”. I actually really respected him being so up front about it since most guys would try and convince me that we wanted the same thing. Right now, I’m not interested in the whole “friends-with-benefits” scene, so from that point on we stopped talking.
Months later I broke that silence and here is why……
At the time that the following situation occurred, I was really broke. I get paid bi weekly at my job so that week just before the 15th of the month (right after paying rent) is always a poor time for me. It’s like my male financial period….. It comes without fail once a month and always puts me in a bad mood (financial PMS) and I’m always scared if I’m late…. With bills that is. This particular Saturday all of my friends were going out but I had to stay home to save money and it was killing me! I was SO bored and really in a mood to go out; staying home was really eating at me. It had also been a LONG time since my bedroom had been graced by the presence of a gentlemen caller. As I sat on my couch trying to kill my pent up energy by watching TV, what seemed like a great…..NO…..a logical idea dawned on me. I decided to call my online guy who only wanted to be friends-with-benefits and see if he would like to pay me a visit.
I gave my friend a call around 9pm and an hour later he was on his way to my apt. I guess his last minute availability on a Saturday night should have been a red flag BUT I was too busy basking in the glow of my genius and seemingly successful plan to notice anything else.
He arrived at my apartment with a bottle of red wine (per my request…..classy, I know) around 10:45pm. We had the obligatory nice to see you again conversation and then headed to the bedroom. I have to say the one positive note about this story was my calm demeanor throughout this process. Normally, I’m pretty nervous in a sexual setting with someone I don’t really know. I can’t say that I’m proud of doing this but at least I didn’t chicken out once I made the decision to invite him over.
As we started to get more into our…. Umm…. I’ll call it our experience; I realized he’s a Talker. I am not a fan of talking, dirty or otherwise, during sex so I was already a little put off by his vocal expression. Then we took a turn down a very bad vocal road. My Talker became a Commentator. He found it necessary to state (out loud & very LOUD) everything I was doing and everything he was doing or was about to do. I felt like I was listening to someone call the play-by-play of a sporting event! It’s impossible for me to give examples without causing you to blush so let run with the sports reference. Imagine playing one-on-one basketball with someone while he narrates every single move in annoying detail.
Let me channel him as best I can:
“Douggiestyle has the ball and oh he turns left and turns right. I’m going box you out and steal and ball. Oh he steals the ball back and throws a spin move. He’s still spinning but I’m going to box you out with my back and take the ball. I’m going behind my back and through your legs and the straight to the rim. Oh but he goes for the ball and stripes it from my hands. He’s dribbling the ball with such control and skill…..”and on, and on. Add in lots of over the top moans and groans and you’ll start to get the idea.
It became such a joke I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than his talking. It got so bad that I realized there are only two ways I can shut him up…..Since I lost all interest in one of those options, I decided to politely let him know this wasn’t working and that he should go home. Yes, this left me alone with now blue basketballs…(get it?) but I would have been ashamed of myself if I had continued. I have to wonder why his past partners had never said anything. He was talking so much it didn’t even sound like he was taking time to breathe. It was one of the most bizarre experiences I’ve had and one that I don’t care to repeat.
I think there are a lot of reasons people like to have more casual relationships of the friends-with-benefits nature in their life. I don’t frown on the idea; I’ve had such friends in the past. After this experience, though, I think I’ve learned that boredom isn’t the best reason to try and kick off a relationship like that….
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Say My Name - Say My Name
I’ve been on this online dating service for a few months now. I wanted to talk about a trend I’ve started to notice – terrible screen names.
First impressions are key when meeting new people, we all know this. In the online dating world the profile you build is your first impression to everyone that views it. You have complete control over what your profile says, so it should be relatively easy to form a good first impression. Out in the “wild” approaching someone in a bar, there are so many other circumstances that could affect the first impression you make.
When I receive an email or any sort of contact from a guy online there are two things that I immediately look for and take note of: the person’s screen name (SN) and his picture. If I don’t find the person attractive then of course I lose interest right away. The SN is the other important part of the first impression that will decide if I move forward with this guy. Keep in mind this all happens before I’ve even set eyes on his profile.
Read this next part carefully:
DON’T MAKE STRANGE SCREEN NAMES!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received an email from a guy with a horrible SN. Even if I find you attractive the SN can be a huge turn off. A few good rules to follow:
· Don’t use an inside joke or nickname that can be misinterpreted by people who don’t know you.
· If you wouldn’t want to be called that in real life…not a good choice.
· Don’t try to be overly romantic or sensitive.
· Your real name is just fine…it’s ok to use it in your SN
· You have an entire profile to showcase you personality traits….don’t try to cram it into your SN
Let me pay homage to some of the gems I’ve come across:
MomsayImaKeeper…… Well, two things. How many moms have told you this and why are you no longer with their sons?
HotNJhunk…. I looked at this quickly and read, Hot ‘N’ Junk.
Lotsoflovingtogive….. Been that long huh?
Dark_irony…. I want this in a soap opera not a date.
NYGiantSac…. This one left me speechless.
Oneromanticlover…. Likes holding hands and walks on the beach
Playful30….. In his picture he’s wearing a suit and a tie and not smiling….maybe contact Dark_Irony?
Sweetcutesoul….call me jaded but, ugh
Transcendent09… Post op transcendent that is
Wetlikesweat… just EWWW!
TrustFundMaybe… ummm prenup definitely?
Meeting new people is all about snap judgments, especially online where it is much less personal and way easier to dismiss someone without a second thought.
In a previous posting I pointed out some parallels between dating and a free market. Well, going down a similar road, creating a profile on a dating site is advertising. I think people try too hard to be funny or creative with their SN to grab attention. This is advertising but you don’t need to be flashy or unique with an SN.
For me your SN isn’t really going to have a big impact unless it’s a negative one. If you have a simple SN then your picture and profile will do the talking. If you have something ridiculous, of course people are going to notice and it may not get the reaction you had intended.
First impressions are key when meeting new people, we all know this. In the online dating world the profile you build is your first impression to everyone that views it. You have complete control over what your profile says, so it should be relatively easy to form a good first impression. Out in the “wild” approaching someone in a bar, there are so many other circumstances that could affect the first impression you make.
When I receive an email or any sort of contact from a guy online there are two things that I immediately look for and take note of: the person’s screen name (SN) and his picture. If I don’t find the person attractive then of course I lose interest right away. The SN is the other important part of the first impression that will decide if I move forward with this guy. Keep in mind this all happens before I’ve even set eyes on his profile.
Read this next part carefully:
DON’T MAKE STRANGE SCREEN NAMES!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received an email from a guy with a horrible SN. Even if I find you attractive the SN can be a huge turn off. A few good rules to follow:
· Don’t use an inside joke or nickname that can be misinterpreted by people who don’t know you.
· If you wouldn’t want to be called that in real life…not a good choice.
· Don’t try to be overly romantic or sensitive.
· Your real name is just fine…it’s ok to use it in your SN
· You have an entire profile to showcase you personality traits….don’t try to cram it into your SN
Let me pay homage to some of the gems I’ve come across:
MomsayImaKeeper…… Well, two things. How many moms have told you this and why are you no longer with their sons?
HotNJhunk…. I looked at this quickly and read, Hot ‘N’ Junk.
Lotsoflovingtogive….. Been that long huh?
Dark_irony…. I want this in a soap opera not a date.
NYGiantSac…. This one left me speechless.
Oneromanticlover…. Likes holding hands and walks on the beach
Playful30….. In his picture he’s wearing a suit and a tie and not smiling….maybe contact Dark_Irony?
Sweetcutesoul….call me jaded but, ugh
Transcendent09… Post op transcendent that is
Wetlikesweat… just EWWW!
TrustFundMaybe… ummm prenup definitely?
Meeting new people is all about snap judgments, especially online where it is much less personal and way easier to dismiss someone without a second thought.
In a previous posting I pointed out some parallels between dating and a free market. Well, going down a similar road, creating a profile on a dating site is advertising. I think people try too hard to be funny or creative with their SN to grab attention. This is advertising but you don’t need to be flashy or unique with an SN.
For me your SN isn’t really going to have a big impact unless it’s a negative one. If you have a simple SN then your picture and profile will do the talking. If you have something ridiculous, of course people are going to notice and it may not get the reaction you had intended.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Fancy a Facebook?
This story hits on an issue that many people I know have encountered.
I met this guy on a gay site, one that embodied many of the trashy traits I’ve previously described. Fortunately, this guy was normal…for the most part. Our first date was at a wine bar in the west village – his choice. The date went so well that it wasn’t long before we saw each other again. On date two, we spent more time together - dinner, a few drinks and then dessert at a small pastry shop. Let me stop to make a note of this: for some reason that is a great tactic. If you’re going on a dinner date, try changing venues for dessert. I’m not sure why but it has always worked for me. Overall, I was starting to get to know him and we just got along great. This second date was also really good. At the end, I was VERY tempted to ask him over for the night. I decided not to, and later felt more comfortable with this decision. Is there anything more “proper” about waiting until the 3rd date for a sleepover? Probably not, I just find something comforting about having things in my life (not just in dating) set out in threes – with a beginning, middle and end.
On our third date I started to think that this guy could be more than just a fling, I really liked him. We were obviously in the very early stages but I think you can always tell when you’re clicking with someone. This date was similar to the second. We had dinner and ended up at a gay bar in Hells Kitchen. Now, remember what I told you about dates in gay bars…. We sat in the bar on a busy Friday night enjoying conversation over some drinks. We were starting to get closer and more comfortable with each other. However, it wasn’t fully obvious that we were dating. Combine that with a bar full of fierce and forward guys and we were both fair game. I was approached a few times and had to politely say, “Oh, thank you but I’m here with my friend tonight”. My date was very shy and he never said anything but I could tell he was getting jealous….I say this with a devilish grin on my face.
As we left the bar, my plan for post date festivities hadn’t changed. Yes, I was starting to think that he could be more than a fling but that wasn’t going to keep me from going home with him. I’m gay but I’m still a guy. My date was shy so I had assumed I was going to have to make “the move” if a sleepover was going to happen. I underestimated how jealous the experience in the bar had made him. But low and behold, other guys’ approaching me in the bar was the best possible thing that could have happened. Mr. Sheepish-and-Shy turned into a tour de force of passion, a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don’t kiss and tell, so let’s just say that we had a great night followed by a good breakfast before I finally went home Saturday morning.
Sunday afternoon I logged onto Facebook and, not surprisingly, I had a friend request from my date. I started to look through his profile and I found something that made me cringe. Merely minutes after I had left his apartment on Saturday morning Nicky (let’s just call him Nicky for now) had updated his status to say:
“Nicky is having an affair to remember”
On top of that, multiple coworkers of his had made comments about this update saying things like “Oh My…We’ll have to talk about this on Monday!”
I wasn’t upset or surprised that he told his friends about our night. Everyone shares that information with friends. During my walk to the train that Saturday morning I sent a text to one of my good friends saying, “Walk of shame”. There is, however, a difference between sharing that information with friends and posting it on Facebook. The part that I really don’t understand is why he would post that and then invite me to be his friend; he must have known I would see it. The situation really bothered me but I decided to forget it and move on, after all everything else with him was really good.
Over the next few days we talked daily online and there were a few phone calls. Of course, I started regularly checking his Facebook page. To my dismay and growing disgust, every single time we spoke there was a corresponding post on his page. If we had a good conversation “Nicky is happy”, once I had to cancel a date we had planned because I was working late and he posted “Nicky is sad and doesn’t like it when people work late”. That night he wrote, “Nicky is at home thinking about someone”. After a couple days it just became too much and that forth date never came.
“Douggie,” you may say, “How can you criticize someone for talking about their dates on Facebook when you have an entire blog talking about your dates?” Kudos for noticing but there is a difference. I’m not inviting any of the people I’ve talked about to come read this.
I think a lot of people can learn something from this story. I know others who have had similar experiences (although not necessarily over Facebook). The important take-away here, is this: Don’t get over eager too quickly! I know I had spent a night with this particular guy and that always accelerates things but he jumped things from intimate to married. If you are an eager beaver tell your friends but, please, don’t post comments online for everyone to see including the person you’re dating….
I met this guy on a gay site, one that embodied many of the trashy traits I’ve previously described. Fortunately, this guy was normal…for the most part. Our first date was at a wine bar in the west village – his choice. The date went so well that it wasn’t long before we saw each other again. On date two, we spent more time together - dinner, a few drinks and then dessert at a small pastry shop. Let me stop to make a note of this: for some reason that is a great tactic. If you’re going on a dinner date, try changing venues for dessert. I’m not sure why but it has always worked for me. Overall, I was starting to get to know him and we just got along great. This second date was also really good. At the end, I was VERY tempted to ask him over for the night. I decided not to, and later felt more comfortable with this decision. Is there anything more “proper” about waiting until the 3rd date for a sleepover? Probably not, I just find something comforting about having things in my life (not just in dating) set out in threes – with a beginning, middle and end.
On our third date I started to think that this guy could be more than just a fling, I really liked him. We were obviously in the very early stages but I think you can always tell when you’re clicking with someone. This date was similar to the second. We had dinner and ended up at a gay bar in Hells Kitchen. Now, remember what I told you about dates in gay bars…. We sat in the bar on a busy Friday night enjoying conversation over some drinks. We were starting to get closer and more comfortable with each other. However, it wasn’t fully obvious that we were dating. Combine that with a bar full of fierce and forward guys and we were both fair game. I was approached a few times and had to politely say, “Oh, thank you but I’m here with my friend tonight”. My date was very shy and he never said anything but I could tell he was getting jealous….I say this with a devilish grin on my face.
As we left the bar, my plan for post date festivities hadn’t changed. Yes, I was starting to think that he could be more than a fling but that wasn’t going to keep me from going home with him. I’m gay but I’m still a guy. My date was shy so I had assumed I was going to have to make “the move” if a sleepover was going to happen. I underestimated how jealous the experience in the bar had made him. But low and behold, other guys’ approaching me in the bar was the best possible thing that could have happened. Mr. Sheepish-and-Shy turned into a tour de force of passion, a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don’t kiss and tell, so let’s just say that we had a great night followed by a good breakfast before I finally went home Saturday morning.
Sunday afternoon I logged onto Facebook and, not surprisingly, I had a friend request from my date. I started to look through his profile and I found something that made me cringe. Merely minutes after I had left his apartment on Saturday morning Nicky (let’s just call him Nicky for now) had updated his status to say:
“Nicky is having an affair to remember”
On top of that, multiple coworkers of his had made comments about this update saying things like “Oh My…We’ll have to talk about this on Monday!”
I wasn’t upset or surprised that he told his friends about our night. Everyone shares that information with friends. During my walk to the train that Saturday morning I sent a text to one of my good friends saying, “Walk of shame”. There is, however, a difference between sharing that information with friends and posting it on Facebook. The part that I really don’t understand is why he would post that and then invite me to be his friend; he must have known I would see it. The situation really bothered me but I decided to forget it and move on, after all everything else with him was really good.
Over the next few days we talked daily online and there were a few phone calls. Of course, I started regularly checking his Facebook page. To my dismay and growing disgust, every single time we spoke there was a corresponding post on his page. If we had a good conversation “Nicky is happy”, once I had to cancel a date we had planned because I was working late and he posted “Nicky is sad and doesn’t like it when people work late”. That night he wrote, “Nicky is at home thinking about someone”. After a couple days it just became too much and that forth date never came.
“Douggie,” you may say, “How can you criticize someone for talking about their dates on Facebook when you have an entire blog talking about your dates?” Kudos for noticing but there is a difference. I’m not inviting any of the people I’ve talked about to come read this.
I think a lot of people can learn something from this story. I know others who have had similar experiences (although not necessarily over Facebook). The important take-away here, is this: Don’t get over eager too quickly! I know I had spent a night with this particular guy and that always accelerates things but he jumped things from intimate to married. If you are an eager beaver tell your friends but, please, don’t post comments online for everyone to see including the person you’re dating….
Saturday, March 21, 2009
I don't want no Scrub...
I recently went on a date with another guy I met online. It was my second official date since joining the online service. We decided to go to one of my favorite date places in the city, Pravda. It’s a cute little Russian vodka bar in Soho. It’s small enough to get an intimate feel but it’s busy enough so the first date isn’t too romantic. If you’re wondering, Pravda isn’t paying me to say this….well, not yet at least.
Let me talk for a minute about first dates at gay bars vs. straight places. I’m not a fan of taking a first date to a gay bar. I just don’t think it’s the right atmosphere to have good conversation and get to know someone. This is NYC, we are lucky and you don’t need to be in a gay bar to have a nice intimate date with a guy. Nobody cares here, unless you’re planning on getting down and dirty in public, any bar is fair game. Also, the guys in gay bars can be very forward. On a first date you can look to others that you're just friends. Having someone approach you while on a date, especially a first date, can be pretty awkward….. Unless of course it sparks some jealously in your date that helps you seal the deal, but that’s a story for a different day.
Back to my date at Pravda.….We went on a Sunday night, which was not ideal but it was the only time we were both free. First, I cannot stress enough how important it is to me to BE ON TIME! I find it really annoying when people show up late. This particular guy was about 15 minutes late. I never know what to do in that situation; do I go in and get a drink or continue to wait outside? I wanted to go in and get a drink while I waited but I wasn’t sure he would recognize me. Remember, we had never met in person before. I ended up waiting outside until he finally showed up. He was dressed in jeans, sneakers and a hooded sweatshirt. This was not a fashionable hooded sweatshirt. This was more like something you would wear home after a trip to the gym. Immediately, I felt overdressed in my nice jeans, button-down shirt and a blazer, when really I was dressed appropriately. Let’s not forget it was a DATE! Combining his appearance with his lateness, it was not a good start. Dating in NYC is competitive and you know what….you need to put in some effort and pull yourself together. Showing up in scrubby clothes, is NOT a good idea.
Since the gay population in NYC is so large, it increases competition. I’m going to put on my economist hat for a second…. In NYC there are more than enough gay guys or “supply” to meet the “demand”. In a free market when the supply outweighs the demand it can increase competition. Simply put, there is an abundance of choice. The population of single gay guys available to me is large, giving me and other singles a lot to choose from. This isn’t Idaho where the lone gay potato farmer might only have one or two other gays within acceptable dating proximity.…(sorry Idaho, that was a shameless stereotype).
For those reasons, competition in the NYC gay world is Fierce. I’m not talking Christian Soriano’s slightly-tilted-head-with-a-smile-on-his-face-Fierce….I mean Willamina Slater’s fire-in-her-eyes-Fierce. Follow this simple linguistic equation:
Bitchy + Strategic + Cutthroat = Fierce
I know there is Fierce Competition in NYC. Because I know that, I put in effort for every single date I go on. It doesn’t take a lot and it actually helps me. When you look good you are more confident and being confident on a first date is key.
Sitting with my date over drinks was ok. We had good, not great conversation. He drank really fast, which made me think he was nervous…which was kind of cute. But, here is the moral of the story: The date was ok, not great. It’s very possible that my view of the date would have been different if there weren’t so many issues before it even started. Of course waiting outside for 15 minutes and being greeted by someone in scrubby clothes influenced my opinion of him. You want to start a date at least at a level position; DO NOT start shooting yourself in the foot before the date even begins.
I know this sounds slightly bitchy and way too picky or even shallow. There are people out there that will think “who cares what your date is wearing if you get along well”. If my date with this guy were amazing then it wouldn’t have been an issue. BUT, I’m sorry I don’t immediately fall in love with someone. I have to go through that phase of getting to know him and developing feelings. In the beginning, I don’t care what anybody says, all that “shallow” stuff matters. Whether or not you’re willing to admit it, we all notice the “shallow” things and they directly affect our impression of the other person. Because the first date with this guy was only ok, any sort of a second date is already less important to me. I should be excited to see someone again, not hoping that the second time around changes my opinion.
Dating is hard. I’m not posting these little stories for personal satisfaction. I believe, well, I hope there are others out there thinking the same way I do. Dating and judging your possible mates is such a personal and guarded experience. I think when dating many people say what they think is the right thing to say, not necessarily what they actually feel. As scary as it is to think about, we are all scrutinized by our dates from the very first second we meet. It’s a fact of life. I think the more you understand that, the better chance you have at penetrating past snap judgments and developing real connections with people. Situations have to be right. Being open minded is definitely not enough to create a successful relationship. All I’m trying to say is understand and embrace that you will be judged in some superficial ways. Do NOT hinder your chances with someone over the stupid things. Put in effort, do your best and let things progress until a real incompatibility shows its head.
Let me talk for a minute about first dates at gay bars vs. straight places. I’m not a fan of taking a first date to a gay bar. I just don’t think it’s the right atmosphere to have good conversation and get to know someone. This is NYC, we are lucky and you don’t need to be in a gay bar to have a nice intimate date with a guy. Nobody cares here, unless you’re planning on getting down and dirty in public, any bar is fair game. Also, the guys in gay bars can be very forward. On a first date you can look to others that you're just friends. Having someone approach you while on a date, especially a first date, can be pretty awkward….. Unless of course it sparks some jealously in your date that helps you seal the deal, but that’s a story for a different day.
Back to my date at Pravda.….We went on a Sunday night, which was not ideal but it was the only time we were both free. First, I cannot stress enough how important it is to me to BE ON TIME! I find it really annoying when people show up late. This particular guy was about 15 minutes late. I never know what to do in that situation; do I go in and get a drink or continue to wait outside? I wanted to go in and get a drink while I waited but I wasn’t sure he would recognize me. Remember, we had never met in person before. I ended up waiting outside until he finally showed up. He was dressed in jeans, sneakers and a hooded sweatshirt. This was not a fashionable hooded sweatshirt. This was more like something you would wear home after a trip to the gym. Immediately, I felt overdressed in my nice jeans, button-down shirt and a blazer, when really I was dressed appropriately. Let’s not forget it was a DATE! Combining his appearance with his lateness, it was not a good start. Dating in NYC is competitive and you know what….you need to put in some effort and pull yourself together. Showing up in scrubby clothes, is NOT a good idea.
Since the gay population in NYC is so large, it increases competition. I’m going to put on my economist hat for a second…. In NYC there are more than enough gay guys or “supply” to meet the “demand”. In a free market when the supply outweighs the demand it can increase competition. Simply put, there is an abundance of choice. The population of single gay guys available to me is large, giving me and other singles a lot to choose from. This isn’t Idaho where the lone gay potato farmer might only have one or two other gays within acceptable dating proximity.…(sorry Idaho, that was a shameless stereotype).
For those reasons, competition in the NYC gay world is Fierce. I’m not talking Christian Soriano’s slightly-tilted-head-with-a-smile-on-his-face-Fierce….I mean Willamina Slater’s fire-in-her-eyes-Fierce. Follow this simple linguistic equation:
Bitchy + Strategic + Cutthroat = Fierce
I know there is Fierce Competition in NYC. Because I know that, I put in effort for every single date I go on. It doesn’t take a lot and it actually helps me. When you look good you are more confident and being confident on a first date is key.
Sitting with my date over drinks was ok. We had good, not great conversation. He drank really fast, which made me think he was nervous…which was kind of cute. But, here is the moral of the story: The date was ok, not great. It’s very possible that my view of the date would have been different if there weren’t so many issues before it even started. Of course waiting outside for 15 minutes and being greeted by someone in scrubby clothes influenced my opinion of him. You want to start a date at least at a level position; DO NOT start shooting yourself in the foot before the date even begins.
I know this sounds slightly bitchy and way too picky or even shallow. There are people out there that will think “who cares what your date is wearing if you get along well”. If my date with this guy were amazing then it wouldn’t have been an issue. BUT, I’m sorry I don’t immediately fall in love with someone. I have to go through that phase of getting to know him and developing feelings. In the beginning, I don’t care what anybody says, all that “shallow” stuff matters. Whether or not you’re willing to admit it, we all notice the “shallow” things and they directly affect our impression of the other person. Because the first date with this guy was only ok, any sort of a second date is already less important to me. I should be excited to see someone again, not hoping that the second time around changes my opinion.
Dating is hard. I’m not posting these little stories for personal satisfaction. I believe, well, I hope there are others out there thinking the same way I do. Dating and judging your possible mates is such a personal and guarded experience. I think when dating many people say what they think is the right thing to say, not necessarily what they actually feel. As scary as it is to think about, we are all scrutinized by our dates from the very first second we meet. It’s a fact of life. I think the more you understand that, the better chance you have at penetrating past snap judgments and developing real connections with people. Situations have to be right. Being open minded is definitely not enough to create a successful relationship. All I’m trying to say is understand and embrace that you will be judged in some superficial ways. Do NOT hinder your chances with someone over the stupid things. Put in effort, do your best and let things progress until a real incompatibility shows its head.
Monday, March 16, 2009
My date with Plato
As I alluded to in my introduction, I tend to like Asian guys or “Gaysians” as they are lovingly referred to in the gay world. I am attracted to a particular set of physical traits that are very common among Asians: dark hair and….what’s the correct way to say this…. minimal body hair. I guess that makes me a Rice Queen…..Us gays are full of usefully terms like that…straight people, try to keep up.
Most of the dates I’ll be talking about were set online; this is my first with the particular site mentioned in the introduction. I’m new to online dating and there are parts of it that I’m still learning how to navigate. I like having small talk to fall back on during a first date. Online dating can make this more difficult. Profiles give away so much information up front it kills many of the questions that for me, fuel first date conversation. Beyond that, there is always chatting via emails or instant messages before the first meeting. Some guys take this to the extreme, a week or more of online chatting is too much! It’s like the first date actually takes place digitally, if you make the cut and reach an actual first date the pressure is heightened. My Plato date is the perfect example of this.
I talked with this guy (let’s call him Plato) online for about two weeks before meeting him in person. We emailed back and forth, asking questions and sharing information. On paper, well in email I guess the better way to put it, he was great. He was a few years older than me, which I love; he recently finished his residency and started a fellowship at a NYC hospital…a Doctor…I hit the jackpot right!? The point is, we seemed to get along well and I was excited to meet him in person.
We finally met at a fancy but intimate lounge bar on a Friday evening after work. Because he was so good on paper I was actually nervous about this one….I’m never nervous. We drank and had good conversation. We drank some more and had better conversation. I noticed about an hour and 1.5 drinks into the date that even through our conversation was great, there was no flirting. Even I wasn’t flirting, not that I’m a flirt but yeah, I’m a flirt. We finished our third drink and quickly entered that awkward waiting for the bill period when both people are deciding if they want to extend the date or just cut ties and “get out while you still can”. Thankfully, he suggested getting some dinner which was a welcomed thought after three strong drinks on an empty stomach.
Dinner was more of the same: good conversation over good food, perfect right? I sat there slowly realizing that everything about this guy screamed good, better, great! BUT there was just no attraction… at all. It could have been a dinner with my brother. This is why I call it a date with Plato. Everything went well but it was somehow missing any sort of spark and it was nothing more than entirely Platonic. At the end of the date we parted ways on the street walking to separate subway stops. As we said goodbye, I gestured for a Hug by politely opening my arms and leaning toward him….my gesture was stopped short when he extended one hand for a handshake. As it turns out my Plato date viewed me as a Plato too.
Coming out of this date I realized one flaw with this online dating structure. I, like many people, decided to go online for a few key reasons. Topping the list was saving time and easy access to a lot of guys. Having all our initial interaction on-line hid the fact that my date was a Plato. In person, it was clear very quickly. Because we kept all of our interaction online for weeks, I spent much more time on Plato than I would have otherwise. In the end, I could argue that in this case meeting someone online actually took more time and energy than doing it the old fashion way.
Most of the dates I’ll be talking about were set online; this is my first with the particular site mentioned in the introduction. I’m new to online dating and there are parts of it that I’m still learning how to navigate. I like having small talk to fall back on during a first date. Online dating can make this more difficult. Profiles give away so much information up front it kills many of the questions that for me, fuel first date conversation. Beyond that, there is always chatting via emails or instant messages before the first meeting. Some guys take this to the extreme, a week or more of online chatting is too much! It’s like the first date actually takes place digitally, if you make the cut and reach an actual first date the pressure is heightened. My Plato date is the perfect example of this.
I talked with this guy (let’s call him Plato) online for about two weeks before meeting him in person. We emailed back and forth, asking questions and sharing information. On paper, well in email I guess the better way to put it, he was great. He was a few years older than me, which I love; he recently finished his residency and started a fellowship at a NYC hospital…a Doctor…I hit the jackpot right!? The point is, we seemed to get along well and I was excited to meet him in person.
We finally met at a fancy but intimate lounge bar on a Friday evening after work. Because he was so good on paper I was actually nervous about this one….I’m never nervous. We drank and had good conversation. We drank some more and had better conversation. I noticed about an hour and 1.5 drinks into the date that even through our conversation was great, there was no flirting. Even I wasn’t flirting, not that I’m a flirt but yeah, I’m a flirt. We finished our third drink and quickly entered that awkward waiting for the bill period when both people are deciding if they want to extend the date or just cut ties and “get out while you still can”. Thankfully, he suggested getting some dinner which was a welcomed thought after three strong drinks on an empty stomach.
Dinner was more of the same: good conversation over good food, perfect right? I sat there slowly realizing that everything about this guy screamed good, better, great! BUT there was just no attraction… at all. It could have been a dinner with my brother. This is why I call it a date with Plato. Everything went well but it was somehow missing any sort of spark and it was nothing more than entirely Platonic. At the end of the date we parted ways on the street walking to separate subway stops. As we said goodbye, I gestured for a Hug by politely opening my arms and leaning toward him….my gesture was stopped short when he extended one hand for a handshake. As it turns out my Plato date viewed me as a Plato too.
Coming out of this date I realized one flaw with this online dating structure. I, like many people, decided to go online for a few key reasons. Topping the list was saving time and easy access to a lot of guys. Having all our initial interaction on-line hid the fact that my date was a Plato. In person, it was clear very quickly. Because we kept all of our interaction online for weeks, I spent much more time on Plato than I would have otherwise. In the end, I could argue that in this case meeting someone online actually took more time and energy than doing it the old fashion way.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Introduction
In the sea of media and entertainment about dating and relationships in the US, the majority is aimed at straight people. I don’t necessarily think any of it directly translates into the gay community. I’m about to share many of my experiences, opinions, successes, hopes, failures, embarrassments and frustrations about dating gay in NYC and hopefully provide some new insight into the gay dating world.
But first…to better understand my comments you need some basic information about ME.
ME:
They say that it takes 10 years in NYC to call yourself a New Yorker; I’m still 8 years away from that landmark.
I was still closeted when I moved here but unlike many, I was not flocking to NYC as a gay safe haven. Many of the “small towners” from my previous life, think the free spirited orgiastic life of NY turned me gay. I know that there is no debate on what came first, the Chicken (gay) or the Egg (NYC).
Let me give you my “Stats” as their called on many gay sites… Allow me to leave out the more raunchy details many gay sites tend to require. I’m a 26 year old professional: the work hard – play hard type. I’m 6’2” tall, some…hell I’m not modest, many would describe me as tall dark and handsome. Overall, and most importantly for this little experiment of mine, I’m very social and easy to get along with. I’m good on dates and if a date goes bad it’s not because I can’t carry a conversation.
WHY I'M DOING THIS:
My story isn’t different from most people: I haven’t dated a ton, but for the amount that I have I’ve experienced a lot. I’ve been heartbroken and I’ve broken some hearts. My one difference, my “hook”, if you will, is….drum roll please….I’m normally not attracted to the typical athletic, primped, boy next door looking gay guys. In fact my last conquest was a chubby Asian man.
I recently joined a non gay specific dating site. It’s a refreshing change of pace from the flat-out gay porn sites disguised as networking or dating destinations. On this site you get a real Bio and a real (in most cases) picture…not deciding which picture of a penis you’d like to “date”. Don’t even get me started on fuckrace.com…
My GOAL is to go on as many dates as possible and, of course, find someone I can create something with. I hope that dating people who are not my usual type will eventually make me less picky and open more doors. I also think I’ll have some insightful, horrifying and funny things happened to me…why not share!
My PLEDGE is to always be truthful. I’m not on here to make up some fantasy stories about relationships and dating. What you’ll get will be true experiences and honest opinions.
Enjoy.
But first…to better understand my comments you need some basic information about ME.
ME:
They say that it takes 10 years in NYC to call yourself a New Yorker; I’m still 8 years away from that landmark.
I was still closeted when I moved here but unlike many, I was not flocking to NYC as a gay safe haven. Many of the “small towners” from my previous life, think the free spirited orgiastic life of NY turned me gay. I know that there is no debate on what came first, the Chicken (gay) or the Egg (NYC).
Let me give you my “Stats” as their called on many gay sites… Allow me to leave out the more raunchy details many gay sites tend to require. I’m a 26 year old professional: the work hard – play hard type. I’m 6’2” tall, some…hell I’m not modest, many would describe me as tall dark and handsome. Overall, and most importantly for this little experiment of mine, I’m very social and easy to get along with. I’m good on dates and if a date goes bad it’s not because I can’t carry a conversation.
WHY I'M DOING THIS:
My story isn’t different from most people: I haven’t dated a ton, but for the amount that I have I’ve experienced a lot. I’ve been heartbroken and I’ve broken some hearts. My one difference, my “hook”, if you will, is….drum roll please….I’m normally not attracted to the typical athletic, primped, boy next door looking gay guys. In fact my last conquest was a chubby Asian man.
I recently joined a non gay specific dating site. It’s a refreshing change of pace from the flat-out gay porn sites disguised as networking or dating destinations. On this site you get a real Bio and a real (in most cases) picture…not deciding which picture of a penis you’d like to “date”. Don’t even get me started on fuckrace.com…
My GOAL is to go on as many dates as possible and, of course, find someone I can create something with. I hope that dating people who are not my usual type will eventually make me less picky and open more doors. I also think I’ll have some insightful, horrifying and funny things happened to me…why not share!
My PLEDGE is to always be truthful. I’m not on here to make up some fantasy stories about relationships and dating. What you’ll get will be true experiences and honest opinions.
Enjoy.
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