Fancy a Facebook?

This story hits on an issue that many people I know have encountered.

I met this guy on a gay site, one that embodied many of the trashy traits I’ve previously described. Fortunately, this guy was normal…for the most part. Our first date was at a wine bar in the west village – his choice. The date went so well that it wasn’t long before we saw each other again. On date two, we spent more time together - dinner, a few drinks and then dessert at a small pastry shop. Let me stop to make a note of this: for some reason that is a great tactic. If you’re going on a dinner date, try changing venues for dessert. I’m not sure why but it has always worked for me. Overall, I was starting to get to know him and we just got along great. This second date was also really good. At the end, I was VERY tempted to ask him over for the night. I decided not to, and later felt more comfortable with this decision. Is there anything more “proper” about waiting until the 3rd date for a sleepover? Probably not, I just find something comforting about having things in my life (not just in dating) set out in threes – with a beginning, middle and end.

On our third date I started to think that this guy could be more than just a fling, I really liked him. We were obviously in the very early stages but I think you can always tell when you’re clicking with someone. This date was similar to the second. We had dinner and ended up at a gay bar in Hells Kitchen. Now, remember what I told you about dates in gay bars…. We sat in the bar on a busy Friday night enjoying conversation over some drinks. We were starting to get closer and more comfortable with each other. However, it wasn’t fully obvious that we were dating. Combine that with a bar full of fierce and forward guys and we were both fair game. I was approached a few times and had to politely say, “Oh, thank you but I’m here with my friend tonight”. My date was very shy and he never said anything but I could tell he was getting jealous….I say this with a devilish grin on my face.

As we left the bar, my plan for post date festivities hadn’t changed. Yes, I was starting to think that he could be more than a fling but that wasn’t going to keep me from going home with him. I’m gay but I’m still a guy. My date was shy so I had assumed I was going to have to make “the move” if a sleepover was going to happen. I underestimated how jealous the experience in the bar had made him. But low and behold, other guys’ approaching me in the bar was the best possible thing that could have happened. Mr. Sheepish-and-Shy turned into a tour de force of passion, a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don’t kiss and tell, so let’s just say that we had a great night followed by a good breakfast before I finally went home Saturday morning.

Sunday afternoon I logged onto Facebook and, not surprisingly, I had a friend request from my date. I started to look through his profile and I found something that made me cringe. Merely minutes after I had left his apartment on Saturday morning Nicky (let’s just call him Nicky for now) had updated his status to say:

“Nicky is having an affair to remember”

On top of that, multiple coworkers of his had made comments about this update saying things like “Oh My…We’ll have to talk about this on Monday!”

I wasn’t upset or surprised that he told his friends about our night. Everyone shares that information with friends. During my walk to the train that Saturday morning I sent a text to one of my good friends saying, “Walk of shame”. There is, however, a difference between sharing that information with friends and posting it on Facebook. The part that I really don’t understand is why he would post that and then invite me to be his friend; he must have known I would see it. The situation really bothered me but I decided to forget it and move on, after all everything else with him was really good.

Over the next few days we talked daily online and there were a few phone calls. Of course, I started regularly checking his Facebook page. To my dismay and growing disgust, every single time we spoke there was a corresponding post on his page. If we had a good conversation “Nicky is happy”, once I had to cancel a date we had planned because I was working late and he posted “Nicky is sad and doesn’t like it when people work late”. That night he wrote, “Nicky is at home thinking about someone”. After a couple days it just became too much and that forth date never came.

“Douggie,” you may say, “How can you criticize someone for talking about their dates on Facebook when you have an entire blog talking about your dates?” Kudos for noticing but there is a difference. I’m not inviting any of the people I’ve talked about to come read this.

I think a lot of people can learn something from this story. I know others who have had similar experiences (although not necessarily over Facebook). The important take-away here, is this: Don’t get over eager too quickly! I know I had spent a night with this particular guy and that always accelerates things but he jumped things from intimate to married. If you are an eager beaver tell your friends but, please, don’t post comments online for everyone to see including the person you’re dating….