I don't want no Scrub...

I recently went on a date with another guy I met online. It was my second official date since joining the online service. We decided to go to one of my favorite date places in the city, Pravda. It’s a cute little Russian vodka bar in Soho. It’s small enough to get an intimate feel but it’s busy enough so the first date isn’t too romantic. If you’re wondering, Pravda isn’t paying me to say this….well, not yet at least.

Let me talk for a minute about first dates at gay bars vs. straight places. I’m not a fan of taking a first date to a gay bar. I just don’t think it’s the right atmosphere to have good conversation and get to know someone. This is NYC, we are lucky and you don’t need to be in a gay bar to have a nice intimate date with a guy. Nobody cares here, unless you’re planning on getting down and dirty in public, any bar is fair game. Also, the guys in gay bars can be very forward. On a first date you can look to others that you're just friends. Having someone approach you while on a date, especially a first date, can be pretty awkward….. Unless of course it sparks some jealously in your date that helps you seal the deal, but that’s a story for a different day.

Back to my date at Pravda.….We went on a Sunday night, which was not ideal but it was the only time we were both free. First, I cannot stress enough how important it is to me to BE ON TIME! I find it really annoying when people show up late. This particular guy was about 15 minutes late. I never know what to do in that situation; do I go in and get a drink or continue to wait outside? I wanted to go in and get a drink while I waited but I wasn’t sure he would recognize me. Remember, we had never met in person before. I ended up waiting outside until he finally showed up. He was dressed in jeans, sneakers and a hooded sweatshirt. This was not a fashionable hooded sweatshirt. This was more like something you would wear home after a trip to the gym. Immediately, I felt overdressed in my nice jeans, button-down shirt and a blazer, when really I was dressed appropriately. Let’s not forget it was a DATE! Combining his appearance with his lateness, it was not a good start. Dating in NYC is competitive and you know what….you need to put in some effort and pull yourself together. Showing up in scrubby clothes, is NOT a good idea.

Since the gay population in NYC is so large, it increases competition. I’m going to put on my economist hat for a second…. In NYC there are more than enough gay guys or “supply” to meet the “demand”. In a free market when the supply outweighs the demand it can increase competition. Simply put, there is an abundance of choice. The population of single gay guys available to me is large, giving me and other singles a lot to choose from. This isn’t Idaho where the lone gay potato farmer might only have one or two other gays within acceptable dating proximity.…(sorry Idaho, that was a shameless stereotype).
For those reasons, competition in the NYC gay world is Fierce. I’m not talking Christian Soriano’s slightly-tilted-head-with-a-smile-on-his-face-Fierce….I mean Willamina Slater’s fire-in-her-eyes-Fierce. Follow this simple linguistic equation:

Bitchy + Strategic + Cutthroat = Fierce

I know there is Fierce Competition in NYC. Because I know that, I put in effort for every single date I go on. It doesn’t take a lot and it actually helps me. When you look good you are more confident and being confident on a first date is key.

Sitting with my date over drinks was ok. We had good, not great conversation. He drank really fast, which made me think he was nervous…which was kind of cute. But, here is the moral of the story: The date was ok, not great. It’s very possible that my view of the date would have been different if there weren’t so many issues before it even started. Of course waiting outside for 15 minutes and being greeted by someone in scrubby clothes influenced my opinion of him. You want to start a date at least at a level position; DO NOT start shooting yourself in the foot before the date even begins.

I know this sounds slightly bitchy and way too picky or even shallow. There are people out there that will think “who cares what your date is wearing if you get along well”. If my date with this guy were amazing then it wouldn’t have been an issue. BUT, I’m sorry I don’t immediately fall in love with someone. I have to go through that phase of getting to know him and developing feelings. In the beginning, I don’t care what anybody says, all that “shallow” stuff matters. Whether or not you’re willing to admit it, we all notice the “shallow” things and they directly affect our impression of the other person. Because the first date with this guy was only ok, any sort of a second date is already less important to me. I should be excited to see someone again, not hoping that the second time around changes my opinion.

Dating is hard. I’m not posting these little stories for personal satisfaction. I believe, well, I hope there are others out there thinking the same way I do. Dating and judging your possible mates is such a personal and guarded experience. I think when dating many people say what they think is the right thing to say, not necessarily what they actually feel. As scary as it is to think about, we are all scrutinized by our dates from the very first second we meet. It’s a fact of life. I think the more you understand that, the better chance you have at penetrating past snap judgments and developing real connections with people. Situations have to be right. Being open minded is definitely not enough to create a successful relationship. All I’m trying to say is understand and embrace that you will be judged in some superficial ways. Do NOT hinder your chances with someone over the stupid things. Put in effort, do your best and let things progress until a real incompatibility shows its head.